Aliens Made Me Do It

I realised that I'd promised one woah-mama of an excuse for my poor spelling and grammar a few days ago, and I completely forgot. So here it is. Three linguists (Sebba, Street and Lefstein), claim that we each now have an "extended orthographic palette". Y'what? Basically, (I might get around this in a bit of a loopy way, so stay with me), Saussure reckoned that it is impossible to think outside language. Meaning is not 'real': it is socially agreed (which is why, when I say 'chair', you know what I'm talking about - at least I hope you do). But similarly, this is how language barriers are created, because while the link between the object and label 'chair' has been socially agreed in the English-speaking society, it has been agreed to be called 'chaise' in the French and 'silla' in the Spanish. Of course, there is often some variation - but not with the word 'chair', mind you.

This is why the meanings of concrete nouns are easier to grasp than those of abstract ones (because the words are linked to objects, rather than concepts, which require more language to understand) and why, when babies learn to speak, their first words are objective: 'drink', 'dog', 'ball', 'daddy' (in its most concrete form). Right, so considering man spoke before he wrote, when he did fancy writing (as in fancied writing, not calligraphy), it took quite a while (mostly because of accents) to agree on a system of notation. In fact, spelling and grammar were really only set in stone around the 18th century when Samuel Johnson's dictionary standardised the meanings of words and spellings and the first grammar textbooks were written.

And now, we can get really really silly about the whole thing and start off crazy trains of thought such as, if language is socially constructed and I require language to think, I must only know myself through language, which has no meaning and therefore I, too, must be socially constructed. If language isn't real, am I not real either?! Yuck. So you see, there's less of a problem if you think about concrete nouns. (However, there is the rather amusing little anecdote about the linguist who discovered that Eskimos had more words for 'snow' than any other language because they could distinguish between different types of snow most efficiently. Unfortunately, the study was actually based on a complete misunderstanding of the Eskimo language and actually held no weight at all! Shame...)

If language is socially agreed, then it means, as we acquire it as we grow up and discover more about society (although I never really grew as such...), then language becomes the main factor in determining the way we view the world. And so, this varies, depending on what language you use. (By the way, a lot of people, really don't like this theory - but I do!) This might be a bit extreme, so other theorists have just suggested that language may simply influence the way we view the world, eg. social values.

Ok, are you following so far? We've got to come away from concrete nouns . If language is influenced by society, what is society? Society: The institutions and culture of a distinct self-perpetuating group (thefreedictionary.com). Great, because, if we're following the same theory, then society must also influenced by language. It's like two steps forward and three steps back. If society really influences language that much, then we would all have the same ideas and all be exactly the same. Seeing as unconventional is the new convention, there must be a flaw in the theory.

I'm getting back to my point, I promise. How else can we show difference, without ideas and therefore without language? Flouting the grammatical and orthographical (spelling) conventions show variation in society. Going against the conventions, doesn't make grammar or spelling wrong, it makes it unconventional. (But of course, this is all a bit politically correct: we should describe, not prescribe) The original theory I was chitchatting about, claims we each have a palette from which to draw certain elements of language, and we just have to choose how and which and where and when. I could continue with spelling having moved with the phonetic changes etc etc, but I won't continue to bore you. I think I've made my point. So really, I've just been trying to show you variation in society, through my unique use of language...

And back to the Keble Poo Saga, I suppose. Well I'd been to stay with Fair Tits, who had taken me to some sort of open mic night. At some point in the evening, we'd decided to go back to her room. I was sent to collect some wine with two boys from one of their rooms. One of them decided to go to the loo while we were there. He was very quick, and so I decided to pop in after - except OF ALL THE TIMES FOR SOMETHING NOT TO FLUSH... As it had been an en suite, there were only a possible three culprits: the owner of the room, the aforementioned loo-user and myself. The aforementioned loo-user had been very quick and the owner of the room would have, for sure, known he hadn't been responsible. So I was left with a fairly large problem (not metaphorical). There were only two feasible solutions I could think up, and in the time it had taken me to come up with a plan B (the worse of the two and consequently, the one I went for), so much time had passed, that I had to cake on the make up as an excuse for having been locked in the bathroom for so long. Because, after all, surely it's better to look like a slut, than a phantom poo-er?

Plan A, would have been just to hope that the room's owner would have got really rather drunk, returned to his room and assumed he had been the producer of said poo. Plan B, on the other hand, was to find some other way of disposing of the offending item. (I hate you, Alix). The room, a really lovely one, was situated in the main quad, opposite the Keble chapel (which is really very beautiful) and there was a window which looked out across the college. I'm not the brightest of buttons, I'm happy to admit, and so, unfortunately, plan B, had been to scoop and fling (with a lot of loo roll). And so, that, is how there came to be a poo of mine at Keble and there's nothing I can say in my defence, other than that aliens made me do it?

I've been quite critical of Alix recently, but she doesn't help the situation and that's all I have to say on the matter.

Listening to: Rosie Thomas http://www.myspace.com/rosiethomasmusic

Reading: Eat, Pray, Love - Elizabeth Gilbert